How to talk to your child about sex- Useful Inputs from Parents

How to talk to your child about sex

Some of the questions asked by a curious child?

“Is the baby coming out right now?”

“Did she eat the baby, how it got stuck in her tummy?”

“How will it come out through mouth or poop?”

Some of the comments by an older child who thought they know it all.

(Situation: a bunch of children exchanging information on how babies are made)

“You know what, when papa kisses mom, babies are formed.”

“No, you are wrong. God gifts babies. When my Mama and Papa wanted to have me, they went to the temple, kneeled down and asked God to give them a baby. God immediately blessed them with me. “

“You all know nothing. My mom told me, she got me from TARGET store in Australia. If I don't behave well she will return me to them as they have this offer. See I behave so nicely and so should you all.”

“I will have a baby girl too. I will ask the doctor to unzip my tummy and let the baby walk out. She will look like my Barbie doll. I will dress her up all in pink from head to toe.”

These were some of the snippets of narratives we heard from our little EXPERTS, who had their own understanding of a baby’s birth. 

When we shared the children’s understanding of birth of a baby with few mothers, they were all dumbfounded with one question, “When and how should I tell my child about sex?”

We all had our experiences to share where we were bombarded with questions, or given surprises (shock to be precise) sometimes at the most inopportune times. A friend shared that once her daughter dressed up with all make up, jewelry on supposedly like a bride and demanded that I make arrangements so that she could get married with her father. Another friend confessed how she and her hubby had to face embarrassing questions earlier too. Once her 5-year-old son wanted to know “If daddy has a penis too and why it becomes so hard at times?”

We all agreed to this, it becomes quite awkward to answer a child’s questions relating to private body parts and sex. It has always been a point of discussion when should kids know about sex, how, and how as parents can we teach our children about sex. The following points can be considered:

1. Sex is not a taboo: A child needs to know the answers to questions pertaining to sex without being made to realize that talking about it is embarrassing or a taboo. If we adults would keep on blushing and avoiding discussions on these issues, chances are they would make their own understanding of sex based on what they see on television or collect from age mates or other sources which could be inaccurate and misleading in the longer run.

2. Telling in their language: Children need not be told actual mechanics of sex, as the purpose is not to frighten them. In age appropriate, simple language, which is not overloading or overwhelming. We could answer their questions using correct names, rather than popular euphemisms, for private body parts. Keep sex education age appropriate.

3. A child can ask a question anytime: If your child creates an embarrassing situation for you by asking questions at the inopportune time, try not to snap, or put her off. Handle the situation carefully by saying, “You have asked a very good question. I would answer the same while we are on our way back home.” Try and answer the question at the time you mentioned so that it does not give the sense to child that she has done something bad by asking you this question.

4. It’s an ongoing conversation, not a one-time thing: The discussion need not be restricted to one particular day. It should be more of an unfolding process wherein we can use everyday opportunities say when you went to the zoo and your child watches a goat delivering a baby or when you were traveling in a train and your child sees a mother nursing her baby and demands to know what is happening. Keep the language and references age appropriate. 

5. Private body parts: Teach the child about private body parts and about good touch and bad touch. Also they need to know exploring private parts is not OK to do in public and should be done in private.

Answering children's questions on sex in an age-appropriate way and straightforward manner than avoiding the discussion would foster healthy feelings about sex. The message should be conveyed in such a manner that it does not connote sex as a “shameful act”. There are age-appropriate books dealing with this subject that can be helpful.

To put it together, here are a few examples that will help parents teach their child about sex:

1) Body parts: A vagina or a penis need not be called a wee wee or a pee pee but use the exact words (when a child observes it on another child)or refer it to as diaper area for a pre-schooler. Call breasts as breasts not as two stomach moms have. (Generally appropriate and asked by a child between 2-3 years). 

2) What is sex: Try explaining that it a physical form of love that grown-ups like mumma and papa share with each other. (Generally asked by and appropriate for children between the ages of 7-9 years)

3) Where does a baby come from: From either the space in between mum’s legs (an older child who understand body parts can be told vagina) or when a doctor operates. Till such time you were inside mummas uterus (Generally asked by and appropriate for children between the ages of 2-5 years)

4) Why do you/older sibling have hair down there: Nature has designed it in a way to protect our soft body parts. Like eyebrows to protect eyes, underarm hair to protect the soft underarm area, similarly hair here protects your private part.

5) About menstruation/periods: Every month, mumma’s body makes an egg and the body prepares to receive that egg by generating enough blood and tissue for it. But if the egg doesn’t turn into a baby, all the blood and tissue is let out from the body and that causes menstruation or periods. Specify that it is a very natural process and nothing to get afraid or disgusted by and that a boy child needs to respect it too. (Generally asked by and appropriate for children between the ages of 5-7 years)

6) What is rape or sexual abuse: Rape or sexual abuse is when someone touches a private part of your body without your permission or in a way which makes you not like it. This also includes kissing on the mouth. You can ask the person to stop it and scream out for help. (Generally asked by and appropriate for children between the ages of 2-7 years)

I am sure as parents you all must have had parallel experiences and would have encountered similar questions from your little wonders. Please share how you have dealt with such situations. Your inputs are valuable for fellow parents.

How to say No to a child

‘’NO’’ is a word which can be said without any effort, quick on the lips and can be said without a thought. It is a power packed word and is certainly an under rated one in a parent-child relationship. It is one of the words I have heard most toddlers before they even learn to talk. I am guilty of saying No when it is convenient and often without thinking from my child’s perspective. There have been times when both children simultaneously decide to throw tantrums especially in a public place and in between all the commotion parents lose their cool, their ability to think straight and instead of trying to calmly handle the situation, parents have been guilty of saying no to everything children say.

So, how do we say No to our child?

How to give in to their demands?

Aarti, mother to 7 year old Vicky, exclaims, ‘my son goes out of control when we visit the mall. He throws a fit and we end up giving in to his wishes by buying him a new toy just to save us from embarrassment. Now he has thousands of toys which he doesn’t play with. How do we handle his outbursts?’

This kind of a question is very common. Parents often give in to their children’s demands just to quieten the child and save the parents from embarrassment in public. This behavior often starts young and if parents give into the tantrums even once, the child takes it as a guaranteed tactic, which will work each time. If such a situation arises in a public place, the following tips could come in handy:

• Offer solutions or alternatives: Tell your child that if he/she stops the fit, then you could go and have an ice cream or go to the park later in the day. Offering alternatives or having a few options wherein your child can choose what he/she would like to do instead will help control the situation and also help your child to look forward to something else. A direct No is not a good solution as it does not help your child to think positively.
• Listen and discuss calmly: We can easily get side tracked with our idea of not giving into the child’s demands but sometimes, listening and explaining to your child, may help to manage the situation by coming to a consensual solution.
• Explain beforehand: Before reaching the public place, you may explain to your child what you expect from him/her. You may list out the do’s and dont’s and ask your child to repeat them. My friend have one of these sessions with her children each time they plan to step out and also remind them on the way. Now they are very used to the rules and if at all they decide to play up, a gentle reminder helps them stay calm, thankfully.

Help your child understand what kind of behavior is expected and why.

Little children cannot distinguish the right behavior from the wrong. All they know is how to behave based on past experiences. Hence, sitting down with your child and explaining why they should not expect a toy/chocolate/candies/gifts or stay at their friend’s place after an evening of playing together will help them understand your point of view. Your child may also share his/her feelings. This is a great way to get started on positive communication and changing any negative behavior.

Do you always have to stay firm? When to give in?

In a situation when your child is throwing a fit, you know what you should do, but the easier way out is to give in. But as we know that giving in is not the best solution for the long run. We don’t have to be strict and firm all the time as this may create a fear among the child and he/she may be afraid to share their thoughts. Helping your child understand what is expected and if he/she does as told over a few instances, you may give in to your child’s wish for playing that extra 10 minutes, or having that remote controlled car. But again, the child needs to understand that he/she got to stay longer at the park because they listened and did as expected over the last week. Giving in to their wishes should be like a reward. This will only motivate them to listen to you and tantrums will gradually be a thing of the past.

How do I ensure consistency from the other members of the family?

Shalini’s 6 year old wants to be fed and watch her favourite cartoon at mealtimes. Shalini is not in favour of this habit and wants her daughter Nikita to eat at the dinner table and without any distraction. But mealtimes become a battlefield as Shalini refuses to give into Nikita’s demand of sitting in the sofa and being fed. Unfortunately, Nikita’s grandmother intervenes as she does not like to see her cry. So every evening, Nikita is fed by her grandmother with her eyes glued to the television. This has created a friction between Shalini and her mother-in-law and Nikita has found a way to get what she wants.

This is a very common scenario and we all have faced it sometime or the other. They best solution is to have a chat with the other members of the family and convey what, as a parent, you think should be done. Hear out their views but gently draw a line and take control of certain situations. For instance, Shalini and her mother-in-law can come to a conclusion of allowing her to watch cartoons after dinner and her mom in law can feed Nikita at the dinner table if they so wish. It is important to have consistency from all the members of the family.

Be a role model.

If you want your child to behave in a certain way, it is important for us to behave appropriately for them to be able to follow and pick up the right behaviour. For instance, Ankita have a rule of no chocolates after 6 pm in her family. Once her daughter caught her eating a piece of chocolate just before dinner and questioned her on it. Guilty and worse, caught red handed, she apologised and immediately told her that it will not happen again. Surprisingly, her apology made quite an impact on her daughter and she does apologize too each time she makes a mistake. She could easily say that she is her mother and can do what she want or ignore her completely, but that would not set a good example and she would most certainly have the same behavior back from her daughter. So as parents, we should try to be humble and behave in a manner to set an example to our child.

Tips to handle an outburst and to manage the public eye:

1. Don’t shout: Scolding or shouting will only agitate your child and will wind you up. Keep calm instead.

2. Don’t try and reason with your child when he/she is in the middle of an outburst: Your child is most likely to take every word you say negatively when at the peak of the tantrum. So let the storm pass before you think of talking to your child. Go to a quieter place to help your child get over his/her emotions.

3. Anticipate and prevent trigger factors: The big trigger factors for outbursts are hunger, tiredness or boredom. Carry snacks along, leave at a time when your child is not likely to be tired, for example, after a nap; if your child is bored of walking around in the mall, take him/he outdoors for some fresh air, or go to the play area for a few minutes to help them get over the boredom.

4. Don’t get physical with your child: Sometimes parents get overwhelmed and can raise hands on their child. It is common among parents with older children, who talk back and ignore the parent completely. It is easy to get the frustration out with a few slaps but in the end what we are teaching the child is to handle an angry situation with aggression.

5. Keep calm: It used to be a nightmare for most of us to take both our children out to the play area or the supermarket. Either one would throw a fit or the other would follow suit. We , on a couple of occasions, let our anger take over and have either shouted at them, grit our teeth, or freeze up completely. Well, with each instance we need to realize what we were doing was wrong. We need to stay calm instead and talk to them once the tantrum gets over. Staying calm and consistent are the key in diffusing any heated situation.

6. Give consequences for bad behavior: Good behavior should be rewarded and bad behavior should have consequences. If your child decides to play up, then you may warn him/her that there will be, for example, no T.V time if they continue with the behavior. If the warning does not work, then the child does not get to watch T.V for a day or two, depending on the severity of the behavior. It is important to stick to the consequence and follow it through as told to the child; else he/she will know that mummy or daddy will never follow through and that they are just empty threats.

7. Signal your child: You may convey to your child that there will be a change in the activity in 5 minutes. For instance, if you would like to return home from the park and your child wants to play a little longer, instead of upsetting them by taking them away without a warning, you may instead signal by saying that we will leave for home in another 10 minutes. This way the child will have some time to wind up with the playing, say bye to his/her friends also more importantly, be prepared to leave without a fight.

8. ‘Bye bye’: Babies and toddlers love to experiment and anything can become a toy. You may find your child playing with the bottle of perfume. It is of course necessary to take it from the child right away, but if you snatch it out from your child’s hand, it will only upset him/her and result in a temper tantrum. Instead gently tell your child that it is time to say bye bye to the perfume and let him/her put it up on the shelf. It is very likely that the bottle of perfume will get a few kisses and a long good bye. This trick always works with my two year old. Even phrases like good night and see you later work. If your child still throws a fit, divert his/her attention to another activity. It is likely that he/she will forget about the perfume in no time.

9. Pocket money: To avoid your child from crying for a new toy each time you step out, you may get a little piggy bank and encourage him/her to save some money. Once there is enough money to buy the toy, your child can have it. This will also teach them the value of money and gives them a sense of independence.

10. Do not avoid a situation: Roshni does not take her daughter to the mall as she cannot handle the child’s behavior. The 2 year old pulls out clothes, shoes, toys and throws them around. It is a nightmare for Roshni. She has not taken her daughter to any store for about 4 months now and does not intend to do it anytime soon. What I would say works, on the contrary, is taking your child out and facing the situation together. Explaining the rules, what is expected from them and gentle reminders will show their results even though the first few trips may feel like a complete failure of efforts. Children learn very quickly and if faced with similar circumstances, they will know what is expected and behave accordingly.

"While we try to teach our children all about life,

Our children teach us what life is all about." - 

Angela Schwindt

Why You Should Never Compare Your Children

Once a parent, always a parent! We worry, fret, scream, cry at the drop of a hat and make up too. Because we love our child immensely, it is natural that we expect her/him to hit the developmental milestones like any other child of the same age. We often set arbitrary expectations and get disappointed when they are not met by our child.

Shouldn’t she start teething at 6 months? Shouldn’t a child start walking by 1? Shouldn’t she start forming words by 2? These are questions that set behavioral expectations from the children. But have we ever tried to understand the whats and whys behind two children being so different and also how our expectation can hurt our child.

No two children are the same

Commonly, when parents find early developmental symptoms in their children, they tend to attribute it to intelligence and good parenting. Sadly, it is neither. Every child is distinct and develops differently. Their physical and social ability, ability to perform a task properly and attention levels are always different. Also, every child develops at a different pace. A child is a mix of nature and nurture. Nature is the intrinsic qualities that the child is gifted with while nurture is the role the parents play in the upbringing of the child. There is also a third factor that comes into play where development is concerned and that is the environment he or she is exposed to. It is important to understand that children absorb from their environment which explains why day care kids are sometime better regulated in their schedules against children who are pampered by grandparents at home. To sum it, it is impossible to have a situation where two children have the exact matches of all 3 factors, and therefore each child is unique.

Why we shouldn’t compare our child

Being competitive can result in serious problems in your relationship with your child. By constantly comparing the little ones to others put a lot of stress on the child for incorrect reasons. And, when children fail to meet expectations, parent’s behavior towards them changes and often result in children getting scared, stressed and intimidated.

We often come across situations where often a child does or does not do, things, just so as to please her parents. This unexplainable behavior can be attributed to a similar situation where our expectations are so high from our children, that they do things to just meet the expectations rather than enjoy themselves. The other way children react when unrealistic expectations are enforced on them is by avoiding the job or getting irritable. This pulls them off and also kills their skill and talent.

Be patient and trust your child

Thus, as a parent, the best idea is not to think too much about your children attaining milestones but focus on trying to do what’s valuable.

• If your child resists some activity, take a few days off (and give the child a break as well) and gradually work with your child to your desired behavior levels, after the gap. 
• Get generous with your words of praise and constantly encourage while raising a confident child. 
• Extra dosage of patience, affection and adequate quality time can surprisingly produce excellent results.

Is your child smartphone-obsessed?

"Mom! Can I please download a game, mom? Please!!??" I was on a train and I hear a child ask his harried mother this question. The mother, who is working furiously on her iPad, is only too happy to let the child choose a game and, in fact, downloads one for him. A few minutes into the game, the child is bored. "I am bored of this game, mom! Let’s download another?!" Sound familiar? 

We hear children as young as three, four and five years of age, keen on (and surprisingly, even knowing how to) download games on their parent's smart phones, tablets or IPads. As youngsters ourselves, even we were fascinated by video games and computer games and, agreeing that it is natural, it is still a bit of a concern that our children are caught in the lure of these games. But if you ask me, the question is not why are the children hooked on to games and smart phones? The question is why have we let them?

Times have changed?

Remember the time when as children, we used to hear stories from our grandparents? Remember when we used to play made-up games with our friends? Remember the fights, the make-believe sword fights we used to have with our siblings? I remember my mom using peanuts to teach me simple addition and subtraction, and if I got the sum right, I could eat half of the peanuts we used....(some incentive that was, because this way, I learned how to calculate half of any number, quicker than I'd have otherwise learnt in school).

The games, the stories, the songs of our childhood....we do try to pass on to our children most of these as much as we can, but still, things are very different today. Many of us have flown out of our nests and the apartment buildings/colonies where we grew up with friends, have become the things to reminisce about. Many of us don't even live in the same country we grew up in, and that changes a lot. Even for those who are still in the same place, times have changed and the ease and the fun that defined our childhood doesn't define our children's.....which is unfortunately sad!

…Not really, but we as parents have

In our hurry to get our work done and our constant quest for a better life for our children, somewhere we have lost track of the children themselves. How difficult is it to strike up a conversation with your child while you wait for the school bus in the morning? Or maybe play a simple game of spot the red car or count the bikes with your child while travelling by road? Why not indulge in a simple game of snakes and ladders on a rainy day ? Or play dress up?

Oh, I forget! Who has the time! We get five minutes, and we have to either be on a call or have to check on our emails or WhatsApp or Facebook, or wrap up household chores and to get those few minutes of respite, we end up giving the phone or the tablet to the child to keep him out of our way.

The small, smart addiction lurking in our houses

Everyone blames the TV for spoiling our children but a bigger danger is lurking in our homes, small enough and smart enough to fit in those tiny hands and change their worlds forever, like never before! From a very young age, our children are exposed to games and apps on our smart phones and if we, as parents are not careful, it is only an invitation to disaster. It is important to check what your child is downloading and what games your child is playing. Though mindless games are okay once in a while, it can act as an addiction that is difficult to get rid of as the child grows. Also, many of these games need your child to make a lot of in-app purchases that you need to set proper controls for.

Smart phone, a must? Make smarter choices

Now, you could say, look, I hear you, but my child is not growing up in the environment that I grew up in. He doesn't have friends in our apartment, nor do I have the time to spend playing with my child! Plus, in today's day and age of technology, I don't want to leave my child out of playing games on my smart phone and my tablet, all his friends do (You will be surprised how many parents think so.) 

Well, if you absolutely have to introduce your child to the world of apps and gaming, why not invest a little time and get the games and apps that will help your child, teach him something new. Why not get a game that challenges her intellect or even teaches her something really important? Choose a game wisely. Try and see age appropriate games and informative apps. Children are like a sponge, ready to absorb all the knowledge that they can and use the apps to bring this knowledge to them in story format that they will enjoy.

There is a lot you can do without your time restrictions, but I say, make that effort, take those five minutes out. So the next time, you give your phone to your child to play while you work, you know that he too is investing his time in an activity that stimulates his mind and makes him work, and learn too, in the process. After all, your children are going to be this young only once. Give them the chance of remembering their childhood as fondly as you remember yours.